A Week

One week, and every major struggle is cast in sharp relief.

First: The influence of Others on the Eudaimonia Project. And on the heels of that: Anxiety over the future during the Eudaimonia Project. And then after that, the willful choosing to live against the Eudaimonia Project.

I swear, the Devil is inside of us.

The vexation of all of our plans just lives and breathes inside us. We are our own problem. I am my own worst enemy in this project.

Almost right after my last post, my husband said something to which I flipped out. There's no point going into details, but it was one of those insecure moments where you are not sure if things are going to tip very badly, and  you're half-afraid they tipped into "bad" when you weren't looking.

We got over it; we talked through it, which is generally how we handle everything, but not before I was completely wrecked emotionally. And when I'm wrecked emotionally, I hide and I eat.

And eat.

And hide.

My back actually hurts from being curled up on the couch most of the weekend. And my intestines will never forgive me for bingeing.

So then, I nearly wrecked my own birthday celebrations by being afraid of the future. My fears were completely unrelated to what had happened before: just random fears of not living up to people's expectations of me. Being afraid that the elaborate (to me) celebration was a show, and maybe people secretly hated me.

Luckily, hubby was there to rescue the day again for me.

And then for most of the weekend, I gave myself permission to do everything I shouldn't do, because it was my birthday weekend, I was mad about not having a lot of money, and it had been so emotional. So I chose against my project.

And I feel awful. Not guilty, but just sick and tired and disappointed in a nearly "wasted" weekend.

On the plus side, the project has already heightened my sense of family, so that I want to spend more active, face-to-face time with my family. I wanted to write. I did some things on my "nagging tasks" list. I wasn't a total lump on a log.

But now, it's back to business: the business of learning to be happy. And I'm so happy to be back.